It’s the wait I can’t stand

Seems strange to say this, but it’s only now, more than two months after diagnosis, that I can genuinely say I’m feeling the fear.

Maybe I’ve been in denial. Maybe my sunny and positive outlook has trumped the bad thoughts. Maybe the black humour has been winning the day. Who really knows? I certainly don’t!

But this week things have started to gnaw away at me. A wee bit more every day.

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Tomorrow morning I get my first follow up CT scan since diagnosis.

It will show what impact, if any, the three rounds of chemotherapy so far have had in reducing my Mantle Cell Lymphoma.

I’m booked in to get the results from my consultant first thing on Monday morning.

All I know so far is that the only noticeable lump I had, in my groin, has disappeared; that the horrible bloody poos (sorry…) that I’d been suffering have stopped; and that my body has more than ably taken the strongest chemo that the NHS can throw at it without any significant ill effects.

All pretty positive then.

But when you enter the unknown, and know that the consultant could throw an “I’m afraid your treatment’s not really working” curve ball at you, you can’t help but start to worry. Or at least I can’t.

I think I’ve gone through more than a dozen scenarios in my head already.

I know that before she’s even opened her mouth, I’ll have tried to read the consultant’s body language on Monday morning. Her every movement. Her facial expression.

I’ll draw a conclusion from her first word. Her tone. Everything .

Even the room they choose for the meeting.

You might have seen the tragic but inspiring story of Heidi Laughlin in the past week, who put off treatment for breast cancer to give birth to a premature daughter who sadly died within days.

In spite of her incredibly harrowing situation, she’s been writing a brilliant, honest, heart rending, profane and hilarious blog which puts my effort to shame (especially the sweary bits!). You can read it here (please do): storminatitcup.blogpost.co.uk

She describes meeting her consultant to get her diagnosis. She was taken to a room with cushions. She decided that rooms with cushions were only used to give bad news. And sadly she was right.

So if I’m shown to a room with cushions on Monday morning, don’t blame me if my heart sinks. Though having said that, the chances of finding soft furnishings in any room at the Western General are well nigh impossible!

A x

 

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About Andrew Slorance

Husband, father, son, brother, cyclist, pen pusher, pedant, contrarian , fights Mantle Cell Lymphoma in my spare time.
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14 Responses to It’s the wait I can’t stand

  1. Henry Dyer says:

    Hi Andrew,

    I am a few months ahead of you in the same process. I’m at stem cell transplant. If you ever need a chat about anything call me. Just email me privately and I’ll give you my number.

    All the best,
    Henry

    Like

  2. Jacqui Semple says:

    Thinking of you Andrew, hope the news is good. Big hugs to you all xxx

    Like

  3. Lynda says:

    I’ll be thinking of you on Monday and sending as many positive vibes your way x

    Like

  4. John Scott says:

    Hi Andrew… I am not a Blog person… but I think I might be addicted to yours. Write it all down! Monday may bring good news. I hope so!

    Like

  5. MGT says:

    Keeping everything crossed for you:) xxx

    Like

  6. Harry Scott says:

    Andrew I wish you the very best. Hang in. H.

    Like

  7. Caroline Blackstock says:

    Good luck on Monday. Great to get results so quick. And from nursing view it sounds very positive. I truly hope and pray that you hear good news at your appointment . You are doing great!

    Like

  8. Sheila Thomson says:

    Drew,know what a feeling it is when you are awaiting the ct results.The consultants body language tells it all,I am however really happy that your body is coping with the many drugs involved in your treatment.I think that because your initial problems are better it seems to me through experience that everything is going the right way!good luck with your scan results and stay strong for the next chemo session. x

    Like

  9. Erica Clarkson says:

    Hmmmm – for the first time since hearing your news and reading your blog, this post made be have wee cry. You’re a real source of inspiration! Good luck for today and Monday – your body seems to be strong – so focus on that. xx

    Like

  10. Paula Dawson says:

    Hope it’s the right news on Monday for you all. You’re doing well after so many battles. Distraction needed this weekend – house in blackford needing painted / unpacked 😉
    Paula x

    Like

  11. Margaret says:

    Andrew, I will be thinking about you on Monday. Good sign that some of the symptoms have receded. Take care. xx

    Like

  12. Gillian says:

    Andrew, We are all thinking about you for Monday. Hoping for lack of soft furnishings. You have been doing great. Take care to you and family x

    Like

  13. johnbooth224 says:

    Keeping everything crossed for no cushions on Monday!

    Like

  14. Jaldeep says:

    Andrew
    Just read your blog from the beginning – very inspirational and moving. Wish you all the best as you progress

    Like

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