Batteries running low already

I should have remembered. I was a fool to forget.

You just can’t properly prepare yourself for the impact that a prolonged stay in hospital coupled with high dose chemotherapy has on your physical and mental state.

It’s not like I’ve not been here before. But time plays tricks on the mind. And hope defeats realism as you cross your fingers for a better experience this time round.

But it’s all come flooding back, and yes, I’m a fool to have thought it would be any different.

I can’t believe that’s only four days down. Seems like an eternity.

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The drugs have made me really, really edgy and even my normally reliable anti-anxiety tablets are having little effect.

I think it’s the hydrocortisone I’m getting to counter side effects from Cytarabine that might be the culprit so we’ll ease off on them tonight.

I’m also right off my food.

Now on one level that’s no bad thing, given I weighed into to hospital a few pounds over fighting weight.

But it’s the underlying nausea-lite that’s really annoying, the fact that just thinking about food – something I do every 4.7 seconds – can make me want to throw up. And that’s nothing on what happens when the wonderful hospital cuisine arrives…

My other big issue is that I just can’t get comfy.

In my room I have one standard NHS bed, one padded chair, and two visitors’ chairs. I also have one small table (the ones that go over your bed). And it doesn’t matter where I sit or lie, I just can’t get comfortable.

All of this means that I just want to spend as much time as feasibly possible trying to sleep as that at least means that time is passing and I. Ugh actually have a good dream about food!

On a more positive note, I did get a nice FaceTime call from the girls tonight and a very close up view of Olivia’s gummy smile, having lost another tooth today. Hopefully the tooth fairy doesn’t need daddy to be at home to deliver.

A x

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About Andrew Slorance

Husband, father, son, brother, cyclist, pen pusher, pedant, contrarian , fights Mantle Cell Lymphoma in my spare time.
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7 Responses to Batteries running low already

  1. Jacqui Semple says:

    Andrew, sounds like a tough time, cheered up by having a chat with your girls! I’m sure there are more tough days ahead, coupled with better ones. Words are easy, going through this is a different story! Loving the blogs! Jx

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  2. Claire says:

    Andrew, if you’ve not learned already, now is the time to (re)learn to meditate. Google ‘guided meditations for anxiety’ and give them a go. They’ll help (and help pass the time). Keep going, man, one foot in front of the other… Claire xxx

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  3. David Ferguson says:

    Thinking of you Drew. Your strength has really come to the fore in the last few weeks and months – and your girls are seeing the tough Daddy they have (as opposed to Big Daddy, who was a different wrestler entirely). Now boredom’s the problem you can understand how others feel when you start droning on about Rangers/Sevco or some such nonsense…! Keep the blogs coming when you can. Wish you all the best. DF.

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  4. Jim.Reville@gov.scot says:

    Hi Andrew

    Cant get comfy, with all your padding? – pull the other one, lol 😉
    Apologies, it must be serious if you’re off your food 😉
    I agree with Shuna – pot noodle’s the answer

    Seriously though – not that you’ll be short of anybody and everybody offering you advice, but…. sounds like you’re at a low point, recognise it, and hang in there; everyone’s rooting for you, mate.

    Take care

    Jim

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  5. Ruth Allen says:

    I’ve got a Comms Strategy document that might help you sleep..? Seriously, minute at time, hour at a time and day at a time. You’ll get there and we’ll all behind you :0)

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  6. aileenlamb says:

    Sounds like the big bumps in the road might have arrived Andrew? Don’t panic, I can guarantee that they pass and it really is about getting over them, one bump/day at a time.

    I found passing time hard and mindfulness etc even harder. Couldn’t read or concentrate but what did work was adult colouring in books! Sounds crazy, but could be worth a go. I was able to loose hours doing this, and it sure beats daytime telly!!

    Keep pushing on. Sunny days are coming 🙂

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  7. Elisha says:

    Hi, I have just came across your blog through the macmillan website and want to say what an amazing man you are! I totally understand where you are coming from and how you feel as I was in your exact position 3 years ago when I had my stem cell transplant. It is very hard and I know very easy to say but try and stay as positive as possible. I also wrote a blog, I started just after my transplant and think you would find some of my earlier posts really useful. Especially being stuck in that little room, I was the same but pretty used to it pre transplant and my chemotherapy meant I had to stay in the room for all my treatment with the odd week home here and there. I would really love to be here as a support so please feel free to contact me. It’s nice knowing someone who knows how you feel and has been there. I wish you all the best and a speedy recovery! Please remember it will take a lot of time to recover, I am still recovering now, but feel grateful to be alive today! X

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